Wisdom And Fear of Death
The years of distance have changed the way I see my past. I can remember being scared; being young, alone, responsible for my little girl, angry, and rejected by my society. I recall the panic attacks, the prayers, the hopes, the sleepless nights, but it’s like watching a movie or seeing someone else go through it. They say ‘time heals all’, it’s not so much that it heals as it makes us a stranger to ourselves. We become our own audience wondering how and why is that person going through so much pain, and then we realize that we are the person. Call it evolution, some kind of inevitable change, call it growth, or call it time, the fact is, everything really does pass. Well, not everything. The mind has a strange way of retaining the good memories while it lets the bad ones fade away as if they were a lie or a dream. I wish I knew this when I was young.
Life in the city became unbearable from the moment Harris, my husband and the father of my child, was arrested for war crimes. No one cared if he was guilty or innocent. No one cared that I didn’t even know him until after the war. I went from being the best and most loved teacher to persona non grata overnight. But I would have endured it all forever, waiting for him to return if I thought there was any chance he would return. After the message, it was all lost.
I felt I had no other option but to move, to find a place where there is no hate for my daughter and myself. Wait, no… That’s only partly true. I was furious. I left the city knowing I would never return to the hellhole called ‘civilization’. I never wanted to meet another new person. I didn’t want to sacrifice or help anyone ever again. I never wanted to feel so horrible, so insulted, so hurt and disappointed. I wanted to get away from it all, live alone, educate my little girl and just see the rest of my days in some wilderness.
There was only one place where I could escape to — the house in the mountains. If humans hadn’t become so accustomed to various little things that made life easier and more comfortable, this place would be considered idyllic. However, when the nearest shop is more than an hour on foot over the hills, and there is no phone or internet, and the heating means setting some wood on fire, and there are all kinds of…